Seeing a celebrity walk among us is always an interesting thing. Like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs (name that movie). Fascinating. I spent five years living in a fabulous little city that celebs liked to frequent to "get away from it all", so I had the opportunity to meet/encounter/stare at in a creepy way many of them in their natural habitat. The following statements are true, no need to protect the guilty up in this blog (ahhhhhhh, the internet). Here is Miss L's breakdown of who's cool, who's a choad, and who's a bigger choad:
Chuck Mother-f*cking Norris (Yes, I'm so serious)
Location: Chilis Goleta, CA (Again, Serious)
Chuck Norris apparently needed to get his Awesome Blossom on and decided to go out to Chilis in Goleta, CA. He was with two women and a crap load of kids. One woman was his wife, and we'll just assume the other was his ho (dude, he's Chuck Norris). I'm sure all the kids were his Chuck Norris super sperm offspring, because Chuck Norris can knock up whoever the f*ck he wants, whenever the f*ck he wants to. Anyways, Chuck was a very short and an average tipper (20%). Sadly, no roundhouse kicks were thrown. If I had half the balls Chuck Norris does, I would have asked. On the other hand, if I had half the balls Chuck Norris does, I'd be a chick with one ball. Ewwwwww....... Would probably put a dent in the social life. Some real life Chuck Norris round house kicks might be worth it though.....
Sinbad (Not sure if he really counts as a celebrity, but he sure counts a a douche-bag)
Location: Chilis Goleta, CA (It's amazing how many celebs rolled through Chilis)
Sinbad talked to his mother on the phone his entire meal (kept saying Mama), and tipped 5%. lame and BO-RING. You're Sinbad, aren't you supposed to be funny? Mama's boy.
Paul Walker
Location: El Paseo Restaurant Santa Barbara, CA
He appeared to be on a date (with a not very hot chick. I suppose he had just made 2 Fast 2 Furious.....so the stock was a bit down).
We were graduating college and having a huge, drunken graduation dinner. Nobody was particularly interested in Paul Walker. However, we did catch him laughing at our jokes a few times, and when a chick in our party stood on her chair and gave a speech, he clapped at the end. Paul Walker's probably an ok dude. The orca he was with kept glaring at us though. Bitches man.
Michael Jordan
Location: O'Malley's Bar Santa Barbara, CA
Big Mike definitely knows he's the shizz, but, dude, he's Michael Jordan. Way more hard in person than in Hanes commercials. He was guest bartending (as he does every year during Fiesta in Santa Barbara). I managed to get a few pics with him (though he won't actually pose for them), and he served me a beer. Word on the street is he normally takes a couple "lucky" pro hos upstairs to uh.....get their space jammed (boooo....I know), but I was not one of those girls. This is more than ok with me. Michael got divorced shortly there after. Shocking.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Location: Light at the Bellagio Las Vegas, NV
This one might have been the coolest, and by "cool" I mean un-fucking-believable. While attending my girl's bachelorette party we were partaking in standard bachelorette party activity drinking iced tea, prancing around in our classiest outfits, and gossiping about boys (by "iced tea" I mean Jaeger, by "classiest" I mean strippers who work the day shift skankiest, and by "gossiping about" I mean.....well......let's just leave it at "gossiping about"). Anyhoo, while dancing like classy ladies on a platform in front of the bar a security guard comes by and tells us that Leonardo would like to drink with us. WTF? Who the fuck is Leonardo? However, we assume this Leonardo dude will have a table we can sit at and booze he will buy, and we will drink, so we follow the security guard. We walk up to the table, and it's Leonardo mother fucking DiCaprio, a dude, and a chick. The story gets slightly less interesting after that. After I got done pissing my pants and staring at him like a deer in the headlights, I managed to get out "Hi" and that was it. The rest of the time I just stared at him. I was not the hard ass bitch then that I am now. Fortunately, my friends were way cooler, and managed to actually talk him up a bit. He stayed for about a half hour and then took off. I had a boyfriend at the time that, God knows why, I was faithful to, so I didn't even attempt to be a star fucker. Tragic. Won't make that mistake again, but I digress. The sweetest part about the entire thing was, after he left, he let us stay at the table and champagne just kept coming the rest of the time we were there. End of Story. Leonardo DiCaprio is the shit. Hands down.
Z Listers who get (dis)honorable mention
Tyrese (the singer)- a no tip leaving donkey punch of a man. That guy can suck it.
William Shatner- DICKHEAD. Tipped 5% and talked on his phone the whole time, except to bark orders involving the words "get me this" and "get me that". Plus he's fat. And short.
Hey four people reading this, anyone have a celeb story? Bring it on.
I'm out.
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3 comments:
Great post Miss L.
Dude, this past Thursday night...like 4 days ago, my hot ass wife and I were having dinner at Piperade on Sansome and Vallejo?...anyways we wind up sitting literally right next to Emile Hersch. Now, it was a bit hard at first to tell it was him cause he was rocking an Afro, but it was for sure him. My wife is terrible when stuff like this happens so once I pointed him out to her, everytime I would say something she would shush me so she could eavesdrop on their conversation. He was kinda a d-bag, kept saying things like "when we were shooting in south america..." or "during this take I would say...". And he was way under dressed, jeans and tennis shoes. And the chick he was with was kicked.
Decent sighting though.
Keep the fire burning.
nice mean girls reference
I have a few for you!
Keanu Reeves: At the Viper Room, I was smoking outside and talking to the bouncer. Next thing I know, he is like, "Move over here!" So I do and out walks Keanu in all his glory. By himself. So, of course I throw my arms around him, lean in and whisper seductively into his ear, "I just have to tell you, I love Point Break!" Hahahaha. He was nice. He hugged me back, smiled and said thank you before heading to his bike. :)
Also I have seen him riding his motorcycle past Q's (bar I used to work at), Linds yelled "KEANU" and he looked...it was funny.
Again I saw him at Pink Taco in LA...he was looking hot.
Jeff Goldbloom: He plays piano and sings at a lounge called "Level One." Naturally I went...because am I the only one who thinks he is hot??? And he told me he loved my feet????? Hahaha. We took some pictures, had some laughs...he was nice.
Britney Spears: At Bloomies looking at the Jewelry...she was at the counter right next to mine (not looking so hot) and then "Cry Me A River" came on...it was right after that break up! Was that planned???
Avril Lavigne: We had a mutual friend. I met them out at Forty Deuce. She wanted my shirt, gave me a lap dance and got my number...hhhhmmmmmmm. Go me?
Jerry Brukheimer: On my birthday after Joe and I broke up at Busby's. I was mopey. He came up to me and asked me what was wrong...I told him how my boyfriend just broke up with me and we have the same bithday, blah, blah, blah. He grabbed my hand, kissed it and told me that I was young and beautiful and everything would be ok. Um...yeah if you put me in a movie and I make a million bucks. ;)
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Oh boy. Seen him many a times. Hung out with him at Q's, just me and him for a couple hours, chatting and drinking. Nice, fun, cool...the next time I see him with a possy, I say hi and he gives me the cold shoulder! Whatever!!!
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