Thursday, June 5, 2008

No Shit Sherlock

I had a brilliant idea last night that turned out to be much less than (see #1 on the list). This inspired me to compile a list of all the horrible ideas I (or my friends) have had had in the past that seemed effing brilliant at the time. In compiling this list I came to the conclusion that, MAN I'VE DONE SOME STUPID SHIT, but I guess you've got to live and learn. So here it is the confessional list of some really, really bad ideas that seemed great at the time. I can not take all the credit however, some of these belong to my nearest and dearest:

1. Attempting to give yourself a Brazilian bikini wax (not as easy as it looks. Tip those waxers extra ladies)

2. Calling in sick from a casino (your boss can hear the background noise, and no, talking louder doesn't help drown it out)

3. Cheating on your boyfriend with his buddy's roommate (here's a shocker genius, you're going to get caught)

4. Attempting to have sex in a storage closet at a crowded bar (while this seems totally awesome. It's not when the bouncer walks in on you)

5. Attempting to leap-frog a parking meter when you're drunk on your birthday in front of cops (you fall, the cops notice)

6. Ashing your cigarette out the window on to a cop while your designated driver is trying to talk their way out of a ticket (they get mad)

7. Yelling "Kobe is a douche bag" during a playoff game at Staples (you get hit......even if it is true)

8. Tell your boss that he is being "completely ridiculous" (Bonus points if you're stupid enough to do in in front of colleagues)

9. Show up to work drunk and/or high. Shotgun beers in the handicap stall of the bathroom.

10. Beer bong a bottle of wine.

11. Attempt to light a fart on fire, instead singe your ass hair, and make sure to do this in front of a party full of people (I promise that one wasn't me)

12. Have sex in a tent surrounded by people you think are passed out. Unfortunately the guy's sister on the other side of the tent was not passed out.

13. Attempt the "Tour de Franzia" Teams of three attempt to finish a box of Franzia the fastest without puking (Believe it or not, that IS NOT a good idea)

14. Let your drunk roommates cut your hair (unless you wanted that mullet)

15. Date your boss (only to find out he's sleeping with half the waitresses in your restaurant)

So there it is, a list of some fine, fine moments. If you've got anything to contribute, I'd love to hear it!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Shizz I Just Don't Understand

The Mylie Cyrus Controversy:

OMG. The girl posed BARELY topless for Annie Leibovitz, the most amazing celebrity photographer that has ever been, for Vanity Fair fucking magazine. Jesus Christ, she didn't pose for a crotch shot in Beaver magazine, get over it people. If Annie Leibovitz asked me to pose with a butt plug sniffing a chihuahuas ass while wearing an 'I heart Dick Cheney' t-shirt, I probably would. I don't care if she's 15. Any adult with half a brain knows what the majority of 15 year old kids are up to right now.......here's a hint, it ain't studying at the library. Get over it people. Your teenager is probably huffing something as we speak. You have bigger problems.

Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon:

Ok, I totally get that random ass celebs get married all the time. Fine. But fame whoring celebs like these two, dating on the down low and then just randomly getting married? I call bullshit. No dice. I know Mariah is promoting an album, but what's in it for Nick? We now know there was a pre-nup, so the obvious is out. Is there a new season of Wild'n Out coming up that no one cares about? I mean knows, about? I just don't get it.

On a Mariah side note, There is an incredibly awesome parody of her latest single "Touch My Body" that's a must hear- "Retouch My Body" by Jackie Beat. Check it out.

The Democratic Party:

Ahhhhh...... What is more depressing than the Democrat's need to shoot themselves in the foot, year after year? Hillary, Barak, one of you needs to give it up. You are killing each other and, more importantly, killing us. As most of you know, Miss L is a card carrying member of the Barak Obama fan club, but if there was any way Hillary was going to be the better candidate to shove the 'Pubs out of office, then she'd have my vote, but I don't see Hillary beating John McCain, no way no how. However, the Dems insist on beating each other 'til the bitter end, inevitably hurting the party, and yet they keep it up. WHY? It only means we have to work that much harder after Denver. Come on Dems, UNITY! That's the whole reason the Pubs win year after year. They're circled around a monkey eating its own poo, but at least they're circled.

Mullets, Comb-Overs, Mandles (men's sandles), Scrunchies, etc:

Dude, There are entire websites dedicated to why these things SUCK and are ridiculous. If common sense isn't your cup of tea, you can actually read about how lame it is to posses any of the above, and yet, I see them on a daily basis. Why why why? You can not possibly not know that your comb over is re-donk-u-lous. I'm not buying.

Tila Tequila:

Ok, I'm not a total hater, I will give her that she has a hot body. THAT'S IT. Nothing else. Not pretty, not funny, very obviously not sexual. It's like taking home a Playboy Playmate, ripping her clothes off and finding cardboard underneath. No substance, no sexy. I don't get this chick. I can watch most crap on MTV, but this show floors me. It's boring, re-donk, and faker than The Hills. Over It!

Made Of Honor:

Attention! Major sexy stock plummeting. McDreamy is so NOT. Are you kidding me? I love chick flicks as much as the next girl. Miss Congeniality, The Notebook, Love Actually? Sign me up. But friggin' shit like Made of Honor, 27 Dresses, and anything made by Sarah Michelle Gellar in the late 90's? Page me bro later. Some chick flicks push it WAY to far. Save your 10 bucks. Go home and put on Lifetime. Get yourself a quart of Hagen Daaz, put on you matching flannel pj's, and enjoy. Your cats will be thrilled you're staying home.......again.

OK, My ADD is kicking in. Good bye my lambs!








Monday, April 28, 2008

All that is Random

Delaware-

I’m on a train in Delaware right now. Where? Delaware. Never thought I’d be here. I feel like that scene from Wayne’s World. “Hi…..I’m in….Delaware”

Sweet ass websites I just figures out-

Confessionsofacollegecallgirl.com - Who is this chick? I love it!

Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com - A new post (almost) everyday of stuff white people like. Examples? Sushi, fleece zip ups from North Face, talking about universal healthcare, Barak Obama.

hotchickswithdouchebags.com - Nuff said. A whole website dedicated to why I'm almost a lesbian. ALMOST. Unfortunately, I enjoy certain parts of the male anatomy.......a lot.

National Indian Gaming Association-

NIGA. Seriously. Look it up. NO ONE thought of this when the association was named? Wow.

The End of Rock of Love- Ambre? Bo-ring! However the Daisy/Heather fight? AWESOME. Heather would whomp Daisy’s ass.

Who Would Win In a Fight?

LC vs. Heidi? Heidi. Eli vs. Peyton? Peyton. William vs. Harry? Hary. Sean Preston vs. Jayden James? Jayden. Me after 3 tequilas vs. me e after 3 hits? Tequila Hillary vs. Bill? Probably Hillary Oscar the Grouch vs Cookie Monster? Cookie. Mini-Horse from Rob & Big vs. Rob AND Big: Mini horse, hoofs down

Lube in New York City-

I was in NYC this past weekend. Two interesting run-ins with lube. The first was when I walked by one of those tables of old people selling used stuff. There was a half gone bottle of Astro-Glide. Hmmmmmm……. I guess homeless ladies need a little assistance at times too, but GROSS. While I was curious how much they were selling it for, I decided against picking up the bottle and checking it out. The second was when I went into a smoke shop for some cigs. It was a typical smoke shop with pipes, bongs, papers, you know everything you need for rolling your own, ahem, cigarettes. However, there was also a glass locked shelf with tons of lube. Like giant, Costco sized portions of lube. There were no sex toys or anything that goes with lube, just a big ol’ lube selection. Interesting. I concluded that there is something going on with New Yorkers and lube. Must go back and investigate…..

Monday, April 7, 2008

Hit It or Quit It - On a LAME Monday Evening

Hello all my little bunnies. I'm afraid I'm full of way more shit I'd like to quit than hit at the moment, but I'll attempt to be optimistic. Cause that's just the kind of girl Miss L is, all optimistic and shizz.

Hit It:
The 90210 spin off. Awwwww yeah. I know it won't be the original. I know that Donna Martin has graduated, and there will never be another walk out led by the big BW, but I am stoked. I'm like a desperate high school freshman getting used by the captain of the football team, I'll take whatever I can get in the 90210 department. Not that anything like that ever happened to me in high school......I'm pretty sure he wasn't a captain.

Quit it:
I'm not watching the basketball game right now. LAME! Why am I missing it? Because I was working late. Worse yet? I get attitude and accused of leaving work early to watch the basketball game.......which I am not watching because I'm working. Sigh. For the record, I worked 10 hours today (ahem, in case anyone reading cares.....), and I'm not complaining about that, but I sure as hell didn't leave early.

Hit It:
The Rock of Love finale AND bonus features episode this week. Yes! Ho's fo sho. I gotta tell you, I'm on Team Daisy. I know she's a slut, a liar, and dumb as dirt (other than the dumb part, are those things so bad?), but honestly she's the only one I can actually picture with Brett. Daisy did have one excellent point, can you really picture Amber with Brett? She probably wears granny panties.This is a great point. Not only does Amber, I'm sure, wear granny panties, but they're probably the kind that come in cotton 3 packs at the grocery store. Buying your chonies at the grocery store? Never sexy. I know that's news to you, Rose Nylund, but you're sexy in other ways.

Quit It:
Mother Fucking Meter Maids! The meters stop running at 6:00pm. Do you know what time I got a ticket at today? 5:55pm. Go F yourself you c*ck s*cking son of a b*tch. I hope you get food poisoning and herpes. I hope when you go home tonight someone had left road kill in your bed and pissed in your Lucky Charms. A very dear friend of mine threatened to shank a meter maid yesterday (Yes, on a Sunday). I wish she had. Punk ass bitches.

Hit It:
Heidi Montag. Dude, I'm totally on Team Heidi. I was reluctant, but duuuuude, she's soooo much cooler than LC. I love the total willingness to completely whore herself out. Girl, at least take it in the ass from US Weekly, not even Tara Reid will take a shot in the mouth for Life & Style. Oh but Heidi will! That's my girl. You're so getting a spin off, that or a 5 picture deal with Vivid. Either way, own it girl!

Quit It:
Working, I;m done answering emails and IM's for the evening.

Hit It:
This lovely glass of Chianti I'm about to enjoy. Sorry Ketel One, but I'm a classy lady this evening (please see the line c*ck s*cking son of a b*tch if you had any doubt)

Friday, April 4, 2008

I'm So Happy It's Happy Hour

It's happy hour at work. This is normally a fantastic time. We play Rock Band, forget about clients, and my coworkers drink slightly too much and then go home to their wives. Unfortunately, today everyone had to get home for various family related activities. Since I'm something of a gay man and my evening really won't start for a few hours, it's just me and my vodka. This being the case, I decided to write to you. I love you.......sorry not you, I was talking to my Ketel one, but I'm sure you're lovely as well.

Fortunately a few fun things have happened as I enjoy happy hour alone. I was outside with my beer and a cig, and a cop drove by and looked at me but kept driving. This is the good thing about working where I do and not being in the burbs, the Po have better things to do. In my hometown I'd be cuffed and dictating this blog to my lawyer on my one phone call. Either that or I'd be making someone my bitch in jail. While the latter is appealing, I'd rather be here thank you.

I was brushing up on my gossip websites and learned that the New Kids on the Block are seriously staging a comeback. It's on like Donkey Kong. There is no way Miss L is missing this tour. I missed the Spice Girls, and I will never forgive myself. New Kids are the right stuff. I would still groupie out for Jordan Knight, and this is way less creepy than my willingness to do it at nine years old. HOT.

Beyonce and Jay Z are supposedly getting married this weekend. Sweet. I haven't been this bored since my ex boyfriend spent hours trying to get me off orally, and failed miserably (note to all you guys out there, if you've written the alphabet 3 times and gotten nothing, you're not doing it right- and p.s. we know what you're doing). Anyways back to Bonce. Snooze-ville. Her wedding dress was probably designed by her ridiculous mother. What is the proper spelling of Fugly? Anyhoo, these are my thoughts on Jay Z totally selling himself short.

To be completely honest, I'm getting bored and there is a bar stool and an inappropriate man out there with my name on them. Peace the freak out ya'll. Have a bubbly weekend.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Return of the Mack

The hiatus is over. I'm back and it's gonna get ugly. Though I admit I have to ease into the ugliness. I feel like a virgin again. Except this time around I'm drunk off Ketel One rather than 2 Mickey's 40oz, and I don't care if the entire football team knows I did this on Monday. God, high school was great, but I digress.

I've been trying to figure out why I've been so unmotivated to blog. Britney's been behaving, no one from the Disney Channel has gotten knocked up lately, the Lindsey Lohan AND Kristin Davis sex tapes were fakes.... Any one of these things could be the culprit. I lost my spirit, but it's back bitch, and I've decided to go balls to the wall. I am now in a committed relationship with.....well.....I guess myself, since I'm pretty sure no one reads the Bubble anymore, but I've been in a committed relationship with my vibrators for awhile now, and that shit is going great.

A short list of things that have perked my interest lately:
  • March Madness- I'm getting fucked harder than Lindsey Lohan in rehab in both my pools, but damnit I still love it. We've had basketball on at work, I at least had the pleasure of beating my boss in the office pool, and it gives me something to watch other than reruns of Rock of Love and Flavor of Love 3.
  • Coral punking EVERYONE on the Gauntlet 3. Fuck all y'all. They tried to punk her out and she straight donkey punched their asses. Priceless. P.S. Fuck you Ev and CT. You two are the biggest butt plugs in the bath house.
  • Heidi Montag endorsing John McCain for President. Oh it gets better, John McCain acknowledging that Heidi Montag endorsed him and thanking her. I'm conflicted here. John McCain telling the American public that he watches The Hills vs. John McCain telling the American public that he watches the Hills. If Justin Bobby endorses anyone, I'm there. Seriously.
  • Client 9
A short list of things that have made me self medicate lately:
  • The never ending talk of recessions at work. I'm now in a little bit of a fluff industry, and the shmuck with my job goes first. Note: I said fluff industry, not fluffer industry.....but if times get tough, who knows.
  • The Boston Red Sox. Fuck you. Fuck you Manny. Fuck you Ortiz, Fuck you Varitek. Fuck all ya'll. Go back to the East side and have a fucking tea party. Fuck.
  • No more Client 9 stories
  • George W. Bush: Helping people with IQ's over 70 self medicate for 8 years now. Some things never change.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Confessions of a Real Pervert

Apparently I'm kind of a perv. I've always kind of known this, but sometimes you just hit new pervy lows. Today was one of those days. For those of you who know me, I'm sure this is hardly a shock. For those of you who don't know me and just read my blog, it's probably less of a shock. For all you other pervs out there, here's a little voyeur into my pervert-i-ness:

Gene Simmons has a sex tape- Not my problem, right? I'm not the girl in it. What is my problem, you ask? Well, I tried to watch it. For reals. It gets worse. I was a little too upset when the website didn't come up. Who in their bloody right mind wants to watch Gene Simmons have sex? I'm a perv.

Sexual acts in moving vehicles are awesome- Not too pervy. A lot of people might agree with that. My problem? Sexual acts in moving vehicles on city streets are also acceptable. Worse ? Sexual acts in moving vehicles on city streets in broad daylight are also acceptable. I'm a perv.

I find Simon Cowell sexually attractive. I'm a perv.

I probably would go to the Donkey Show just to say I went. I'm a perv. (Disclaimer: No matter how much of a perv I am, I can say with total certainty that I would not enjoy The Donkey Show. I just said I'd go).

I've taken over 10 girls to buy their first vibrator. Getting a couple other chicks to make this purchase is kind of hot. Being enthused to take over a dozen chicks to the sex shop is kind of pervy. I'm on the fence.

I actually own the Pam and Tommy Lee sex tape. Who actually owns it? Do you know how expensive DVD porn is? (if you answered yes, you might be a perv). But seriously, no one buys it. Everyone just watches it online. I'm a perv.

Episodes of Nip/Tuck that don't involve Dr. Christian Troy bending some chick over something are just not worth it. I'm a perv.

Sex tapes I can not wait for- Spencer and Heidi, Tara Reid, Gavin Newsom, Myley Cyrus, Tom Brady (with anyone. Seriously, even another dude), John McCain (dude, I know he has one. His wife's s freak fo sho), La Lohan, Kim Kardashian Part II, Dame Judi Dench, Nick Swisher, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson, anyone from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. I'm a Perv.

Being a perv is kind of like being an alcoholic who perpetually falls off the wagon. Step 1, admit you have a problem Step 2, decide to do something about it. Step 3, fall off the wagon. Step 4, become even pervy-er. Step 5, back on the wagon. Step 6, fall off in Tiajuana and go to the Donkey Show.

Peace Out.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

VD!

Happy Valentines Day to my adoring 3 readers. I apologize for my brief absence. Miss L admits to being less than inspired lately. Sigh. Nothing wrong per se, just haven't felt the burning desire to blog. I should just do what my boys over at Apples & Moustaches do and just post pictures of hot chicks (man, I sound like a lesbian sometimes). Anyhoo, other than the fact that it's Valentines Day, and I'm still at work (not that I would ever blog at work.....), things are good. I am, however, drinking vodka, so that's a plus. Since I have no rhyme or reason at this point, I'm going to bullet blog. Here goes-
  • A random man who was probably 60 years old hit on me in the Office Max parking lot at 9 am this morning. He told me my walk was "like a million bucks" and asked me if I'd be his Valentine this evening. Yeah bro, that's happening. A: who hits on strangers before noon? B: In what universe does a young, hot woman who's under 300 pounds and has all her teeth, accept an invitation to be a stranger's Valentine in the Office Max parking lot? I'll have some of whatever you're popping, homes. C: Office Max rolly gel pens are really expensive. Work it out company credit card.
  • Sean Kingston has a song out right now called Take You There. Let's all ignore the fact that this kid's first major single, Beautiful Girls, is one of the most vomit inducing piles of poop I've ever heard, but this latest song is too ghetto for even my faux ghetto ass. Sample line, "Or we can go to the slums where killas get hung. Shorty I can take you there" Yeah. I want to date that dude. What happens on our second date? Chinese water torture? (I have no idea what that is btw, can anyone let me know?), kicking seeing eye dogs? bargain shopping at Ross? Sounds like fun. Sign me up Sean Kingston. I know I am not a particularly hood kind of girl, but Jesus, going to where the killas get hung can not be appealing to anyone.
  • I'm getting drunk. Yay Vodka.
  • Top 5 biggest douchebags I can think of at this moment- 1) Clay Aiken 2) Mike Huckabee 3) Alex Smith (yes I'm a Niners fan, but Alex Smith puts the AS in ass) 4) Jared Leto, he hasn't done anything too bad recently, but you know those people who are just seconds away from embarrassing themselves at all times? He's one of those. Total cringer. Whatever happened to Jordan Catalano, man? 5) Pat Sajak, just cuz. I mean how obvious is it that he hates his job? Seriously, with good reason. If I had to listen to fat housewives, sorority girls, and emasculated US Military servicemen scream about buying an E, I'd be pissed too, but honestly, Pat Sajak is a douchebag. After all these years he should have at least felt up Vanna on camera. Pussy.
Ok kids, this is an open invitation for ANYONE to help me get my mojo back? Got anything good for me to blog about? My fountain's as dry as my sex life these days......Houston, I think we've found the problem! All right, now I know I need more than some good "ideas" to perk the Bubble back up. On a mission...

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Really?!?!

So I was in Peets this morning getting my Jasmine Green Tea. I'm off coffee in '08. It blows. Anyways, the coffee dude was asking the lady in front of me why she wasn't getting her usual. She proceeds to announce to all 10 of us within earshot that she'd been having lactose intolerance issues lately. People say this kind of thing all the time. Do they seriously think it's some kind of code the rest of us don't know? Lactose Intolerance issues? Would you walk into Peets and announce to everyone that you have diarrhea? TMI Lactose lady. Really?!?!?!

Britney Spears was released from the Psych ward this afternoon. Now there's a good idea. Oh don't worry. Her enabler, moron parents got her a body guard. Problem solved! So what does Britters proceed to do? Go on a paparazzi fueled LA joy ride, kick the body guard out of the car, let a pap get in, and proceed to check into a Beverly Hills hotel, where she's hiding out. Paparazzi gang bang Room 112! It's almost not even funny anymore. Miss L will feel bad if something bad happens to Britney after all my commentary.....really, but are you kidding me? Mad props to Ma and Pa Spears and the UCLA medical team. You let her out? Really?!?!?!?!

I'm pretty sure I got in trouble at work today because of the weather in Chicago and Las Vegas. Yes, it's my fault that Chicago has shit for weather 11 months out of the year and Vegas gets cold in the winter. I realize I'm the shit and all, but even I can't take credit for the weather. I appreciate the props to my clout though. Or does that just make me the whipping boy? Hmmm..... don't fire me. Miss L evil controller of mid-western weather. Really?!?!?

Heidi Montag's music video. BLAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! "Directed" by the Pratt-er himself. I insist you go to You Tube and peep this video gem immediately. As soon as blood stops gushing from your eyes and ears, you'll be able to chuckle. First of all, it appears to be shot by me while drunk with a $89.99 hand held camcorder from Wal-Mart. Second, the song makes Lindsey Lohan look like Alicia Keyes. And fuck Spike Jonze, the Pratt-er has found his calling. Heidi Montag's music video......Really?!?!?!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I'm Super Thanks for Asking

It's Super Tuesday, ya'll. Hope you took that whole 5 minutes to get out there and vote. If you didn't, tisk and shame, but you can still register for the November Election. Do it now! Now! It's so easy online, and it's the only way to have any kind of change. Unless you comfortable swimming around like fish in a barrel while the Conservatives take aim, and George Bush, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee all have a circle jerk around the outside, and if you are comfortable with that, I'm sure I've kicked you off my blog before, but if I haven't, get the hell off my blog!

Miss L went to the polls this morning to Barack out with her cock out. That's right. Obama '08 baby! That's how we roll.

Now for those of you who don't like politics but still read this blog therefore indulging my inflated sense of self importance, I'll try to throw in some more interesting political tidbits.

People of Note supporting Barack Obama- Oprah, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Maria Shriver, Robert DeNiro, Scarlett Johanssen, Toni Morrison, George Clooney, Stevie Wonder, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Oliver Stone.....
People of Note supporting Hillary Clinton- Jerry Springer, Jenna Jameson, Ann Coulter, Kimora Lee Simmons, the Strippers Union at Scores in NYC, Barbara Streisand.....**

I'm just sayin'......

** Miss L admits that these examples are the slightest bit biased, but they are true nonetheless.

GET OUT THERE AND VOTE! IT'S REALLY SEXY, LIKE BRAD PITT IN FIGHT CLUB SEXY,WEARING HEELS AND NOTHING ELSE SEXY, THE FIRST TIME I LEARNED ABOUT VIBRATORS SEXY

Monday, February 4, 2008

Superbowl Weekend: By the Numbers

Hell yeah Superbowl! What an awesome game/awesome weekend. It's nice to finally see a decent Superbowl, hasn't happened in awhile. Remember last year? The only good thing about the game last year was that the douche bag I was dating at the time actually cried when Chicago lost. What a bitch......but I digress. Minus the fact that Eli Manning now has a Superbowl ring (I couldn't write that sentence without choking) and Superbowl MVP title, the game was sweet. Onward.

Thought I'd break down the weekend in numerical formula, because really, what's not fun about math?

Number of times someone at the Party I was at said the words "Eli" and "what a bitch" in the same sentence- 489

Time when the party collectively stopped calling Strahan by his name and just started calling him Gappy- 9:05 into the 1st quarter

Number of times I said "why the fuck is _________ there?" when Seacrest was interviewing people on the red carpet (don't even get me started on the whole red carpet thing)- 12

Number of Patron Silver shots I chased down with Ketel One and sodas- 5.....excellent idea

Number of times I peed my pants laughing during Paula Abdul's "comeback" (ahem) performance- 3

Number of fake boobs I grabbed this weekend- 1 (that would be one boob, not one set of boobs)

Number of people with fake boobs who grabbed my real boob- 1 (yay vodka!)

Number of dudes I made out with on Saturday night- 2

Number of straight chicks who said they'd rather have a threesome with Britney and Osama Lutfi on a her hospital bed covered in Cheetos than have sex with Eli Manning- 4

Number of straight girls who preferred Eli- 0

Number of times I wished someone would smack Terry Bradshaw upside the head with the Vince Lombardi trophy- at least 7

Number of dirty thoughts had about Tom Brady, me in my high school cheer leading uniform, and baby oil- 27

Number of times someone mentioned that Alicia Keyes really didn't need to use the ENTIRE zebra to make those pants- 1

Number of times I got sprayed by someone attempting to shot-gun a beer-2 (we're a little out of practice apparently)

Number of days until the Niners win Superbowl XLIII- 364

Monday, January 28, 2008

Hit It or Quit It

Hit It:
My Office got Rock Band. It's in the room with the bar. You heard right. We have a room with a bar. My work OWNS your work. I might get emotionally abused and work 10+ hour days, but we have Rock Band, Patron and Ketel One. Your job blows.

Quit It:
On the subject of work, I am the only woman in my office. That in itself is a Hit It. However, I share one bathroom with 6 men. Um.....yeah. What I've learned about men is that they are quite "scheduled" in their restroom using. So our bathroom is pretty much unpleasant most of the time. I'm glad everyone's eating their fiber, but Jesus Christ. Onward....

Hit It:
The tag team of trashy television. The return of Rock Of Love 2 and The Gauntlet 3. Awwwwww yeah. Rock of Love stared out a little slow and a little fugly for me, but now I'm as dedicated to the show as Brett Michaels is to regular shampooings for crabs. Coral, Beth, and CT probably graduated high school with Jesus, but it's cool. They still get their jollies off laying out 21 year olds, and I still get my jollies off watching them do it (side note: "get your jollies" is a totally gross expression").

Quit It:
The State of the Union Address is on tonight. Sorry to get political, I try not to do it that much since I know many of you aren't down, but this is my friggin' blog, so you will listen! Just kidding....I'm drunk. Anyways the State of the Union is on tonight. Are my ears bleeding yet? We as a country have honestly listened to this douche bag give this speech 8 times?EIGHT TIMES? Cheers to you American Public who elected this guy twice. You're a bunch of fucking geniuses. Oh, I'm sorry? I did I offend some of you? Cry me a river. Then get the hell off my blog.

Hit it:
I saw "There Will Be Blood" last night. It was interesting. Not AMAZING. The critics really need to stop giving each other reach arounds about it. It's not that great., but it is interesting. It really is one of the most interesting movies I've seen in a really long time. I recommend it. But there definitely aren't sunshine's and bunnies at the end. You've been warned.

Quit It:
Someone got mugged outside my work at 11 am the other day. I work in Berkeley, so not the ghetto, and a friggin' old lady got mugged at 11 am. Kinda scary ya'll. Good thing I pack pepper spray.....and of course, the ninja skills.

Hit It:
Next weekend! It's so on. I'm going to Social Distortion (you heard right. Miss L is a Renaissance woman and music connoisseur), then I'm going to some fucking ROCKSTAR's birthday party (always a classy gig, I've heard), and then it's the mother f-ing SuperBowl yo. That is my second favorite holiday. Mad props to Jesus for coming in first. Looking forward to it fo sho. For the record, Miss L is endorsing Tom Brady and the Pats. Word.

Quit It:
That stupid Megan bitch from Rock of Love 2. Did anyone peep that ho last night? First of all, she's not half as hot as she thinks she is. Then she said she was worried about the challenge involving "athleticness", because she wasn't an athlete. Then she has to go and ruin an argument she and that other stripper are actually winning, by calling the girl they're fighting with ugly in overhead lighting. Seriously? Burn, Megan. No, really, burn.

Hit It: A New Kids on the Block reunion tour?!?!?! That's the word on the street. Although it's being formally denied by Danny Wood (sorry I couldn't type that sentence without laughing), but seriously, who listens to Danny? Shut up monkey boy (sorry KT), we all want to hear what Jordan Knight has to say. Come on New Kids, bring it back. I've been hangin' tough since 1991. It's time to take a chance.....to get on the floor and do the New Kids Dance.

Quit It: Socks with sandals.



Friday, January 25, 2008

Random Encounters with Celebrities

Seeing a celebrity walk among us is always an interesting thing. Like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs (name that movie). Fascinating. I spent five years living in a fabulous little city that celebs liked to frequent to "get away from it all", so I had the opportunity to meet/encounter/stare at in a creepy way many of them in their natural habitat. The following statements are true, no need to protect the guilty up in this blog (ahhhhhhh, the internet). Here is Miss L's breakdown of who's cool, who's a choad, and who's a bigger choad:


Chuck Mother-f*cking Norris (Yes, I'm so serious)
Location: Chilis Goleta, CA (Again, Serious)


Chuck Norris apparently needed to get his Awesome Blossom on and decided to go out to Chilis in Goleta, CA. He was with two women and a crap load of kids. One woman was his wife, and we'll just assume the other was his ho (dude, he's Chuck Norris). I'm sure all the kids were his Chuck Norris super sperm offspring, because Chuck Norris can knock up whoever the f*ck he wants, whenever the f*ck he wants to. Anyways, Chuck was a very short and an average tipper (20%). Sadly, no roundhouse kicks were thrown. If I had half the balls Chuck Norris does, I would have asked. On the other hand, if I had half the balls Chuck Norris does, I'd be a chick with one ball. Ewwwwww....... Would probably put a dent in the social life. Some real life Chuck Norris round house kicks might be worth it though.....


Sinbad (Not sure if he really counts as a celebrity, but he sure counts a a douche-bag)
Location: Chilis Goleta, CA (It's amazing how many celebs rolled through Chilis)


Sinbad talked to his mother on the phone his entire meal (kept saying Mama), and tipped 5%. lame and BO-RING. You're Sinbad, aren't you supposed to be funny? Mama's boy.


Paul Walker
Location: El Paseo Restaurant Santa Barbara, CA


He appeared to be on a date (with a not very hot chick. I suppose he had just made 2 Fast 2 Furious.....so the stock was a bit down).


We were graduating college and having a huge, drunken graduation dinner. Nobody was particularly interested in Paul Walker. However, we did catch him laughing at our jokes a few times, and when a chick in our party stood on her chair and gave a speech, he clapped at the end. Paul Walker's probably an ok dude. The orca he was with kept glaring at us though. Bitches man.

Michael Jordan
Location: O'Malley's Bar Santa Barbara, CA


Big Mike definitely knows he's the shizz, but, dude, he's Michael Jordan. Way more hard in person than in Hanes commercials. He was guest bartending (as he does every year during Fiesta in Santa Barbara). I managed to get a few pics with him (though he won't actually pose for them), and he served me a beer. Word on the street is he normally takes a couple "lucky" pro hos upstairs to uh.....get their space jammed (boooo....I know), but I was not one of those girls. This is more than ok with me. Michael got divorced shortly there after. Shocking.


Leonardo DiCaprio
Location: Light at the Bellagio Las Vegas, NV


This one might have been the coolest, and by "cool" I mean un-fucking-believable. While attending my girl's bachelorette party we were partaking in standard bachelorette party activity drinking iced tea, prancing around in our classiest outfits, and gossiping about boys (by "iced tea" I mean Jaeger, by "classiest" I mean strippers who work the day shift skankiest, and by "gossiping about" I mean.....well......let's just leave it at "gossiping about"). Anyhoo, while dancing like classy ladies on a platform in front of the bar a security guard comes by and tells us that Leonardo would like to drink with us. WTF? Who the fuck is Leonardo? However, we assume this Leonardo dude will have a table we can sit at and booze he will buy, and we will drink, so we follow the security guard. We walk up to the table, and it's Leonardo mother fucking DiCaprio, a dude, and a chick. The story gets slightly less interesting after that. After I got done pissing my pants and staring at him like a deer in the headlights, I managed to get out "Hi" and that was it. The rest of the time I just stared at him. I was not the hard ass bitch then that I am now. Fortunately, my friends were way cooler, and managed to actually talk him up a bit. He stayed for about a half hour and then took off. I had a boyfriend at the time that, God knows why, I was faithful to, so I didn't even attempt to be a star fucker. Tragic. Won't make that mistake again, but I digress. The sweetest part about the entire thing was, after he left, he let us stay at the table and champagne just kept coming the rest of the time we were there. End of Story. Leonardo DiCaprio is the shit. Hands down.



Z Listers who get (dis)honorable mention

Tyrese (the singer)- a no tip leaving donkey punch of a man. That guy can suck it.

William Shatner- DICKHEAD. Tipped 5% and talked on his phone the whole time, except to bark orders involving the words "get me this" and "get me that". Plus he's fat. And short.

Hey four people reading this, anyone have a celeb story? Bring it on.

I'm out.









Thursday, January 17, 2008

To Strip or Not to Strip........Isn't that Always the Question?

One of my beautiful girlriends recently made a comment about stripping for some extra cash. Stripping, as in at a club, not flashing frat boys at a party for 3 bucks and a Natty Light. Legitimately dancing at a strip club. The jury is still out on whether this was a joke or not, but it sparked an email chain conversation among the rest of us, nonetheless. We were all across the board on this one. From adamant "NO WAYS' to full on support that she should "Work it out", "shake what her mama gave her", etc. I'll give you three guesses what side of the spectrum Miss L was on. I practically had my ones out. My question is, what's the big effing deal?

I love me some strippers. To all you lesbians.........I mean feminists out there, please don't burn me at the stake with your bras. And to all my pristine, angelic church girls, why the hell are you even reading this blog? Seriously, there's got to be a Judy Blume novel lying around somewhere with your name on it. Anyways, It's not like I'm down with hookers, but have you honestly ever been to a strip club? It's fun! Now we're talking about nice Vegas-style strip clubs (you know, the classy ones), not the seedy beer and sweat smelling dive next to the airport. The clubs are fun and the chicks are hot....and freakishly athletic. Plus, these girls are making some CASH (the good one's anyways). I say go for it. As long as there's no sex in the champagne room. It's all good.

That being said, hookers are another story. I am fascinated by hookers. I love seeing them in their natural habitat (Hunter's Point, seedy motels near the Congressional building, coming out of my ex-boyfriend's roommate's bedroom......ok, that actually wasn't cool). You know how it is, you're driving down the street, and all of a sudden "Oooh! Look! Hookers!" and everybody looks. Fun for all. However in real life hookers are not ok. Pimps and diseases are not this girls cup of tea.

So my Jerry Springer final thought is, Yay strippers! I say go for it, and all of you out there who have never been to a strip club? BO-RING. Put down your copy of Gloria Steinem's biography, take your cat off your lap, and turn off The View. Now you have some fun plans for the weekend. I promise you'll come out of it a much more interesting person. Now, can anyone break a $50?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

F*ck Computers In Their B*tch Faced Stupid F*cking A**es

Did ya'll miss me? I promise the bubble did not pop.

Apologies for the long delay between posts. There was an unfortunate incident involving me trying to be smart with computers and failing miserably. Shocking. The six of you who read this blog have probably dwindled to 2, but for the 2 of you out there, I will bring the pain. Count on it.

So happy 2008! So much has gone on in the new year. Here is a short list of my personal highlights from the end of December until now- I learned what the Abe Lincoln and the Angry Dolphin are (you should look it up, useful knowledge), Britney lost her shit AGAIN (really that never gets old), The Spice Girls Greatest Hits CD was on sale at Victoria's Secret for $4.99, as of this morning I've lost 3 lbs, my Maxim for this month had Heidi Montag on the cover (I'm waiting for the LC, Whitney, and Audrina lezbo spread......haha spread), I realized yesterday that my roommate's feet RARELY smell anymore, I'm yet to bring an inappropriate boy home (16 days and going strong), the Packers won, the Cowboys lost, and Eli is going farther than Peyton in the playoffs (for the record, I pretty much think Eli is a jack off, but I think Peyton is a jack off too, so the whole thing's pretty funny), I got a brand spankin' new job that I love, Rock of Love 2 started (I love watching skanks try to out skank each other), and most importantly for my 2 loyal readers out there, I'm back! The bubbly's flowin' again. Don't worry, If you just keep drinking you'll never be hung over.