Thursday, December 27, 2007

Go Jesus, It's Your Birthday

Sup Ya'll, Happy belated holidays. I had to take a few days off from the blog because, apparently, nothing can command my attention like a bottle of Ketel One in honor of the birth of Christ. To say the past month has been a little chaotic would be the understatement of the decade (Think, Oj is a little guilty, Ann Coulter is a little bit of a crazy Nazi, Britney's test results came back a little positive for a virtual cornucopia of STD's). I feel like I got donkey punched by a reindeer. Note to self, never switch careers at Christmas again. Also never attempt to juggle 3 jobs during the switching process while going out 7 nights a week, staying up 'til ungodly hours, entertaining boys typically reserved for only after I've put down a fifth of vodka, and then attempting communication with any of the following: my parents, my bosses, people at the bank, my Aunt who's a nun (Yes. Seriously), anyone at an airline (I seriously considered "just going for it" on a flight to Australia), former boyfriends, and acquaintances of my parents. Shockingly, I'm still alive, so far not in liver failure, I haven't been disowned or struck my lightning from the heavens, and I still have a job (I think....). All in all, I give the holiday season of 2007 kudos for the good times. It's amazing how good friends, good family, and good wine make little things like sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition just seem BO-RING.

On that note, The holidays might have turned me into a hot mess (as opposed to the pristine, Madonna-like goddess I was before) but I have the following people to make me feel (and look) so much better:

1. Britney- Naturally. She's bangin' paparazzi now. Seriously. While other paparazzi wait outside hotel rooms for the classy gentleman to emerge for their post-coital cigarette. There goes Britters again, puttin' the ASS in classy.

2. Jamie Lynn- Despite recent events, Jamie Lynn is still not the disaster her sister is. She's still young though. I'm holding on to the dream. The latest is that Casey Aldridge is not really the baby daddy. Effing classic. It's rumored to be some old dude who's an exec at Nickelodeon. Please, please, please let this be true. That would totally combine so many of my favorite things, underage skanks, sleezy old men, people who are not me getting knocked up, moral hypocrisy, and cover-ups of an Area 51/Kennedy assassination government level (ok......maaaaybe not quite that important).

3. La Lohan- Lindsey's latest man piece has sold his story about what a nympho she is to a British tabloid. While the story was sadly void of anything involving golden showers, Bad Dogs, or the Dirty Sanchez, it was entertaining nonetheless. Sucks for Linds though. Not commanding too much respect from the ex-boyfriend if he's willing to sell you out faster than you can say firecrotch.

4. Jessica Simpson- Hated by all of Texas, Nick Lachey, Carrie Underwood, Terrel Owens, John Mayer, Lindsey Lohan, Adam Levine, Jerry Jones, her own dog (for repeatedly shoving it in a purse), Bam Margera (ok, no one really gives a shizz about that one), her own mother, and any self respecting sports fan that recognizes that no pro sports team colors are PINK and WHITE. So take off the effing pink and white jerseys and hats all you lame chicks out there. $50 says you're sitting at a football game right now in your pink Cowboys jersey waiting for Kobe Bryant to hit a homerun. Seriously, go spend your money on something more useful to you. Like a coloring book......or a big red balloon. Sorry ya'll, we just tapped into one of Miss L's biggest pet peeves. There could be a whole post dedicated to pink sports gear. Anyhoo, back to poor Jess. Basically a ridiculous amount of people hate her, her sister is totally "the hot one" now, her next two movies are going straight to DVD, her dad is a creepy pervert, and she's wearing a damn pink jersey. Sucks to be that bitch.

On that note, I'm out kiddies. Enjoy this lovely gap between Christmas and New Years when it's totally acceptable to not show up for work, drink before noon, and splurge on post Xmas gifts for yourself. Seriously go for it, come January it's diets, responsibility, freezing weather with no Christmas spirit to make it worthwhile, and the return of fat and smelly New Years resolution-ists at the gym. Yummy.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Spears Girls are TOXIC Ya'll

So everyone and their mother is talking about the latest Spears family drama today (Literally. My mother called me. I am not kidding). I lurve the drama. I freakin' live for shizz like this. So sixteen year old Jamie Lynn Spears is knocked up. Am I the only one who thinks that if a Spears is going to get knocked up, the logical choice really is Jamie Lynn? We need to start looking at this as a good thing people. What if it was Britters again? The baby would come out addicted to meth and KFC. I friggin' love the Spears flaunting of trashiness too. Long gone are the days where Jamie would go "visit her great Aunt in Vancouver" for nine of months, only to return dazed and a little bit fatter but otherwise ok. Oh no. The Spears clan is going to sell that shizz to Ok! magazine for 1 million and Jamie Lynn is going to spend the next 8 months eating lunch at the Ivy and shopping at Kitson Kids. Mama Spears is going to whore Jamie Lynn out, and seeing as Jamie has already whored herself out, she might as well. I'm not going to go off on Lynne Spears too much. I mean sixteen year olds are idiots and teenagers get knocked up all the time, but this woman had a book on PARENTING coming out, Seriously. I'm sure she's not the worst mother in the world, but she definitely doesn't need to be shellin' out the advice. Hmmm, parenting tips from Mama Spears? 1. Allow your 16 year old to live with her 19 year old boyfriend-check. 2. Teach child that their lap is an appropriate infant seat in the car-check. 3. Make sure children always wear underwear.....or is it not wear underwear? whatever ya'll-check. 4. Teach children to have respect for the law and the Court system-ch.....well not so much. Yeah, I'm sure that book will be getting published real soon.

Apparently gettin' knocked up is where it's at these days. I'm all for people other than myself havin' kids, but I'm not drinking the water in the following places 1. Walnut Creek, CA 2. Any of my family functions (my cousins have been on quite a kiddie streak in the past couple of years. Scary) or 3. The entire state of Utah 4. Anywhere a Spears hangs out (i.e. gas station bathrooms, Nickelodeon cast parties, Starbucks, any posh hotel in Beverly Hills, McDonald's, Les Deux, etc). Or I suppose I could just replace drinking water with drinking vodka.....everywhere I go. Good Plan.

Miss L wishes you all a wonderful day! Try not to get knocked up.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Poppy C in 2007.....and I Thought I Was A Hot Mess

The Pop Culture scene in '07 was fantastic, and by "fantastic" I mean an exposed, embarrassing, sloppy drunk, va-jay jay flashing, hair extension wearing, sex tape filming, itchy, strung out train wreck. While this may seem like business as usual in La La Land, there really were some very important changes in the celeb-u-sphere from the beginning to the end of 2007. Many of these brief shifts in power might go unnoticed to the untrained eye. Fortunately my trained eyes are here to shed some light on the with laser beams. It'll blow your mind. Break it down now (wiki-wiki):

2007: Then and Now
Cutest Celebrity baby? Then: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (mad props to Violet Affleck coming in a close second) Now: Suri Cruise fo sho (Although I'm pretty sure shorty's had some work done).
Everyone's favorite Celebrity Crack-Head? Then: Pete Doherty (remember the video of him making his cat smoke crack? No. Seriously) Now: Amy Winehouse (the voice used to make up for the tooth gap and the rats nest, now she just looks like Mrs. Crabtree from SouthPark....with scabs....and track marks. Come to think of it Crabtree is effing Giselle Bunchen compared to this hot mess).
Embarrassing TV show I can't stop watching? Then: The Hills Now? Gossip Girl. It's the OC on the East Coast and I effing love it. Plus that one kid with the coked up dad is yummy, yummy man meat.
Biggest Douche bag on The Hills? Then: Spencer Now: Three way tie between Justin Bobby, the She-Pratt, and the Hills editing team (come on dudes, can't you at least try to make it look like reality? Even 12 year old girls with posters of Brody Jenner up in their bedrooms can see this shizz is not reality).
Dude on the other end of Pamela Anderson's divorce papers? Then: Kid Rock Now: Rick Soloman (You know, the dude who starred in the Paris Hilton sex tape and for some reason owned all that creepy night vision equipment with which to shoot it? No idea why that marriage didn't work out. Creepy McCreeperson)
Favorite Creepy Celebrity Hanger-On: Then: Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole's lawyer/publicist/baby daddy/pet troll Now: Osama Lutfi, the creepy dude who is constantly by Britney's side. So far we know very little about this new Osama on the scene other than he seems to share Britney's love of frappacinos, cruising around LA hot spots, and calling into Ryan Seacrest's morning show. Prediction: Osama and Britney get married in Vegas, New Years Eve '07. Mark my words. I'm like Miss Cleo and shizz.
Redonk-u-lous Tween sensation that I could care less about? Then: High School Musical Now: High School Musical 2 (Although all that biznass with the genius chick taking nudie pics of herself was good stuff. Haha straight-edge, Disney loving parents how did you explain that one to little Susie? And furthermore Daddy, how did you explain your new desktop background to Mommy?)
Uber-Hawt soccer import from across the pond with a body of sin who makes my mind go to very, very wrong places? Naughty, naughty, bad, bad places (ooh, I'm a bad girl. a very.....sorry. I got distracted) Then: David Beckham Now: David Beckham in tighty whities (See Emporio Armani ads. You're welcome)
Cheers 2007! The Champagne Bubble thanks you for the Buzz. Looking forward to 2008 (Think: Lindsey Lohan. Off. Wagon.)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

If All Your Friends Jumped Off A Bridge.....

So apparently all the world's a-blogging, and, par usual, I missed the memo. Just like I missed the memo on graduating college on time, not going into credit card debt, not sleeping with boys on the first date, and getting a big girl job after you graduate. I tend to do things a little behind schedule. Self sabotage is my way of keeping life interesting. I'm on board now though, so watch out world (and by "world" I mean the 5 of you who might actually read this).

I admit I have no game plan for this blog, no real theme, just an outlet for me to talk about whatever the shizz I want, and you all have to listen. As you will soon find out, I'm a big fan of discussing all things me related. This list includes, but is not limited to: booze, bad decisions I make because of booze, bad decisions my friends make because of booze, celebrity gossip, stupid things stupid people say and do, football, Britney Spears (really a sub-category of the stupid people portion), bad tippers, my boobs, large jungle cats, rude coworkers, drinking before 10 am, bowling, politics, plastic surgery, my car, celebrity sex tapes, medium rare steaks, Chuck Norris, all things boy band, and ninja skills.

Interested? I suggest you stick around.