Monday, January 28, 2008

Hit It or Quit It

Hit It:
My Office got Rock Band. It's in the room with the bar. You heard right. We have a room with a bar. My work OWNS your work. I might get emotionally abused and work 10+ hour days, but we have Rock Band, Patron and Ketel One. Your job blows.

Quit It:
On the subject of work, I am the only woman in my office. That in itself is a Hit It. However, I share one bathroom with 6 men. Um.....yeah. What I've learned about men is that they are quite "scheduled" in their restroom using. So our bathroom is pretty much unpleasant most of the time. I'm glad everyone's eating their fiber, but Jesus Christ. Onward....

Hit It:
The tag team of trashy television. The return of Rock Of Love 2 and The Gauntlet 3. Awwwwww yeah. Rock of Love stared out a little slow and a little fugly for me, but now I'm as dedicated to the show as Brett Michaels is to regular shampooings for crabs. Coral, Beth, and CT probably graduated high school with Jesus, but it's cool. They still get their jollies off laying out 21 year olds, and I still get my jollies off watching them do it (side note: "get your jollies" is a totally gross expression").

Quit It:
The State of the Union Address is on tonight. Sorry to get political, I try not to do it that much since I know many of you aren't down, but this is my friggin' blog, so you will listen! Just kidding....I'm drunk. Anyways the State of the Union is on tonight. Are my ears bleeding yet? We as a country have honestly listened to this douche bag give this speech 8 times?EIGHT TIMES? Cheers to you American Public who elected this guy twice. You're a bunch of fucking geniuses. Oh, I'm sorry? I did I offend some of you? Cry me a river. Then get the hell off my blog.

Hit it:
I saw "There Will Be Blood" last night. It was interesting. Not AMAZING. The critics really need to stop giving each other reach arounds about it. It's not that great., but it is interesting. It really is one of the most interesting movies I've seen in a really long time. I recommend it. But there definitely aren't sunshine's and bunnies at the end. You've been warned.

Quit It:
Someone got mugged outside my work at 11 am the other day. I work in Berkeley, so not the ghetto, and a friggin' old lady got mugged at 11 am. Kinda scary ya'll. Good thing I pack pepper spray.....and of course, the ninja skills.

Hit It:
Next weekend! It's so on. I'm going to Social Distortion (you heard right. Miss L is a Renaissance woman and music connoisseur), then I'm going to some fucking ROCKSTAR's birthday party (always a classy gig, I've heard), and then it's the mother f-ing SuperBowl yo. That is my second favorite holiday. Mad props to Jesus for coming in first. Looking forward to it fo sho. For the record, Miss L is endorsing Tom Brady and the Pats. Word.

Quit It:
That stupid Megan bitch from Rock of Love 2. Did anyone peep that ho last night? First of all, she's not half as hot as she thinks she is. Then she said she was worried about the challenge involving "athleticness", because she wasn't an athlete. Then she has to go and ruin an argument she and that other stripper are actually winning, by calling the girl they're fighting with ugly in overhead lighting. Seriously? Burn, Megan. No, really, burn.

Hit It: A New Kids on the Block reunion tour?!?!?! That's the word on the street. Although it's being formally denied by Danny Wood (sorry I couldn't type that sentence without laughing), but seriously, who listens to Danny? Shut up monkey boy (sorry KT), we all want to hear what Jordan Knight has to say. Come on New Kids, bring it back. I've been hangin' tough since 1991. It's time to take a get on the floor and do the New Kids Dance.

Quit It: Socks with sandals.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Random Encounters with Celebrities

Seeing a celebrity walk among us is always an interesting thing. Like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs (name that movie). Fascinating. I spent five years living in a fabulous little city that celebs liked to frequent to "get away from it all", so I had the opportunity to meet/encounter/stare at in a creepy way many of them in their natural habitat. The following statements are true, no need to protect the guilty up in this blog (ahhhhhhh, the internet). Here is Miss L's breakdown of who's cool, who's a choad, and who's a bigger choad:

Chuck Mother-f*cking Norris (Yes, I'm so serious)
Location: Chilis Goleta, CA (Again, Serious)

Chuck Norris apparently needed to get his Awesome Blossom on and decided to go out to Chilis in Goleta, CA. He was with two women and a crap load of kids. One woman was his wife, and we'll just assume the other was his ho (dude, he's Chuck Norris). I'm sure all the kids were his Chuck Norris super sperm offspring, because Chuck Norris can knock up whoever the f*ck he wants, whenever the f*ck he wants to. Anyways, Chuck was a very short and an average tipper (20%). Sadly, no roundhouse kicks were thrown. If I had half the balls Chuck Norris does, I would have asked. On the other hand, if I had half the balls Chuck Norris does, I'd be a chick with one ball. Ewwwwww....... Would probably put a dent in the social life. Some real life Chuck Norris round house kicks might be worth it though.....

Sinbad (Not sure if he really counts as a celebrity, but he sure counts a a douche-bag)
Location: Chilis Goleta, CA (It's amazing how many celebs rolled through Chilis)

Sinbad talked to his mother on the phone his entire meal (kept saying Mama), and tipped 5%. lame and BO-RING. You're Sinbad, aren't you supposed to be funny? Mama's boy.

Paul Walker
Location: El Paseo Restaurant Santa Barbara, CA

He appeared to be on a date (with a not very hot chick. I suppose he had just made 2 Fast 2 the stock was a bit down).

We were graduating college and having a huge, drunken graduation dinner. Nobody was particularly interested in Paul Walker. However, we did catch him laughing at our jokes a few times, and when a chick in our party stood on her chair and gave a speech, he clapped at the end. Paul Walker's probably an ok dude. The orca he was with kept glaring at us though. Bitches man.

Michael Jordan
Location: O'Malley's Bar Santa Barbara, CA

Big Mike definitely knows he's the shizz, but, dude, he's Michael Jordan. Way more hard in person than in Hanes commercials. He was guest bartending (as he does every year during Fiesta in Santa Barbara). I managed to get a few pics with him (though he won't actually pose for them), and he served me a beer. Word on the street is he normally takes a couple "lucky" pro hos upstairs to uh.....get their space jammed (boooo....I know), but I was not one of those girls. This is more than ok with me. Michael got divorced shortly there after. Shocking.

Leonardo DiCaprio
Location: Light at the Bellagio Las Vegas, NV

This one might have been the coolest, and by "cool" I mean un-fucking-believable. While attending my girl's bachelorette party we were partaking in standard bachelorette party activity drinking iced tea, prancing around in our classiest outfits, and gossiping about boys (by "iced tea" I mean Jaeger, by "classiest" I mean strippers who work the day shift skankiest, and by "gossiping about" I mean.....well......let's just leave it at "gossiping about"). Anyhoo, while dancing like classy ladies on a platform in front of the bar a security guard comes by and tells us that Leonardo would like to drink with us. WTF? Who the fuck is Leonardo? However, we assume this Leonardo dude will have a table we can sit at and booze he will buy, and we will drink, so we follow the security guard. We walk up to the table, and it's Leonardo mother fucking DiCaprio, a dude, and a chick. The story gets slightly less interesting after that. After I got done pissing my pants and staring at him like a deer in the headlights, I managed to get out "Hi" and that was it. The rest of the time I just stared at him. I was not the hard ass bitch then that I am now. Fortunately, my friends were way cooler, and managed to actually talk him up a bit. He stayed for about a half hour and then took off. I had a boyfriend at the time that, God knows why, I was faithful to, so I didn't even attempt to be a star fucker. Tragic. Won't make that mistake again, but I digress. The sweetest part about the entire thing was, after he left, he let us stay at the table and champagne just kept coming the rest of the time we were there. End of Story. Leonardo DiCaprio is the shit. Hands down.

Z Listers who get (dis)honorable mention

Tyrese (the singer)- a no tip leaving donkey punch of a man. That guy can suck it.

William Shatner- DICKHEAD. Tipped 5% and talked on his phone the whole time, except to bark orders involving the words "get me this" and "get me that". Plus he's fat. And short.

Hey four people reading this, anyone have a celeb story? Bring it on.

I'm out.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

To Strip or Not to Strip........Isn't that Always the Question?

One of my beautiful girlriends recently made a comment about stripping for some extra cash. Stripping, as in at a club, not flashing frat boys at a party for 3 bucks and a Natty Light. Legitimately dancing at a strip club. The jury is still out on whether this was a joke or not, but it sparked an email chain conversation among the rest of us, nonetheless. We were all across the board on this one. From adamant "NO WAYS' to full on support that she should "Work it out", "shake what her mama gave her", etc. I'll give you three guesses what side of the spectrum Miss L was on. I practically had my ones out. My question is, what's the big effing deal?

I love me some strippers. To all you lesbians.........I mean feminists out there, please don't burn me at the stake with your bras. And to all my pristine, angelic church girls, why the hell are you even reading this blog? Seriously, there's got to be a Judy Blume novel lying around somewhere with your name on it. Anyways, It's not like I'm down with hookers, but have you honestly ever been to a strip club? It's fun! Now we're talking about nice Vegas-style strip clubs (you know, the classy ones), not the seedy beer and sweat smelling dive next to the airport. The clubs are fun and the chicks are hot....and freakishly athletic. Plus, these girls are making some CASH (the good one's anyways). I say go for it. As long as there's no sex in the champagne room. It's all good.

That being said, hookers are another story. I am fascinated by hookers. I love seeing them in their natural habitat (Hunter's Point, seedy motels near the Congressional building, coming out of my ex-boyfriend's roommate's bedroom......ok, that actually wasn't cool). You know how it is, you're driving down the street, and all of a sudden "Oooh! Look! Hookers!" and everybody looks. Fun for all. However in real life hookers are not ok. Pimps and diseases are not this girls cup of tea.

So my Jerry Springer final thought is, Yay strippers! I say go for it, and all of you out there who have never been to a strip club? BO-RING. Put down your copy of Gloria Steinem's biography, take your cat off your lap, and turn off The View. Now you have some fun plans for the weekend. I promise you'll come out of it a much more interesting person. Now, can anyone break a $50?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

F*ck Computers In Their B*tch Faced Stupid F*cking A**es

Did ya'll miss me? I promise the bubble did not pop.

Apologies for the long delay between posts. There was an unfortunate incident involving me trying to be smart with computers and failing miserably. Shocking. The six of you who read this blog have probably dwindled to 2, but for the 2 of you out there, I will bring the pain. Count on it.

So happy 2008! So much has gone on in the new year. Here is a short list of my personal highlights from the end of December until now- I learned what the Abe Lincoln and the Angry Dolphin are (you should look it up, useful knowledge), Britney lost her shit AGAIN (really that never gets old), The Spice Girls Greatest Hits CD was on sale at Victoria's Secret for $4.99, as of this morning I've lost 3 lbs, my Maxim for this month had Heidi Montag on the cover (I'm waiting for the LC, Whitney, and Audrina lezbo spread......haha spread), I realized yesterday that my roommate's feet RARELY smell anymore, I'm yet to bring an inappropriate boy home (16 days and going strong), the Packers won, the Cowboys lost, and Eli is going farther than Peyton in the playoffs (for the record, I pretty much think Eli is a jack off, but I think Peyton is a jack off too, so the whole thing's pretty funny), I got a brand spankin' new job that I love, Rock of Love 2 started (I love watching skanks try to out skank each other), and most importantly for my 2 loyal readers out there, I'm back! The bubbly's flowin' again. Don't worry, If you just keep drinking you'll never be hung over.