Thursday, June 5, 2008

No Shit Sherlock

I had a brilliant idea last night that turned out to be much less than (see #1 on the list). This inspired me to compile a list of all the horrible ideas I (or my friends) have had had in the past that seemed effing brilliant at the time. In compiling this list I came to the conclusion that, MAN I'VE DONE SOME STUPID SHIT, but I guess you've got to live and learn. So here it is the confessional list of some really, really bad ideas that seemed great at the time. I can not take all the credit however, some of these belong to my nearest and dearest:

1. Attempting to give yourself a Brazilian bikini wax (not as easy as it looks. Tip those waxers extra ladies)

2. Calling in sick from a casino (your boss can hear the background noise, and no, talking louder doesn't help drown it out)

3. Cheating on your boyfriend with his buddy's roommate (here's a shocker genius, you're going to get caught)

4. Attempting to have sex in a storage closet at a crowded bar (while this seems totally awesome. It's not when the bouncer walks in on you)

5. Attempting to leap-frog a parking meter when you're drunk on your birthday in front of cops (you fall, the cops notice)

6. Ashing your cigarette out the window on to a cop while your designated driver is trying to talk their way out of a ticket (they get mad)

7. Yelling "Kobe is a douche bag" during a playoff game at Staples (you get hit......even if it is true)

8. Tell your boss that he is being "completely ridiculous" (Bonus points if you're stupid enough to do in in front of colleagues)

9. Show up to work drunk and/or high. Shotgun beers in the handicap stall of the bathroom.

10. Beer bong a bottle of wine.

11. Attempt to light a fart on fire, instead singe your ass hair, and make sure to do this in front of a party full of people (I promise that one wasn't me)

12. Have sex in a tent surrounded by people you think are passed out. Unfortunately the guy's sister on the other side of the tent was not passed out.

13. Attempt the "Tour de Franzia" Teams of three attempt to finish a box of Franzia the fastest without puking (Believe it or not, that IS NOT a good idea)

14. Let your drunk roommates cut your hair (unless you wanted that mullet)

15. Date your boss (only to find out he's sleeping with half the waitresses in your restaurant)

So there it is, a list of some fine, fine moments. If you've got anything to contribute, I'd love to hear it!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Shizz I Just Don't Understand

The Mylie Cyrus Controversy:

OMG. The girl posed BARELY topless for Annie Leibovitz, the most amazing celebrity photographer that has ever been, for Vanity Fair fucking magazine. Jesus Christ, she didn't pose for a crotch shot in Beaver magazine, get over it people. If Annie Leibovitz asked me to pose with a butt plug sniffing a chihuahuas ass while wearing an 'I heart Dick Cheney' t-shirt, I probably would. I don't care if she's 15. Any adult with half a brain knows what the majority of 15 year old kids are up to right's a hint, it ain't studying at the library. Get over it people. Your teenager is probably huffing something as we speak. You have bigger problems.

Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon:

Ok, I totally get that random ass celebs get married all the time. Fine. But fame whoring celebs like these two, dating on the down low and then just randomly getting married? I call bullshit. No dice. I know Mariah is promoting an album, but what's in it for Nick? We now know there was a pre-nup, so the obvious is out. Is there a new season of Wild'n Out coming up that no one cares about? I mean knows, about? I just don't get it.

On a Mariah side note, There is an incredibly awesome parody of her latest single "Touch My Body" that's a must hear- "Retouch My Body" by Jackie Beat. Check it out.

The Democratic Party:

Ahhhhh...... What is more depressing than the Democrat's need to shoot themselves in the foot, year after year? Hillary, Barak, one of you needs to give it up. You are killing each other and, more importantly, killing us. As most of you know, Miss L is a card carrying member of the Barak Obama fan club, but if there was any way Hillary was going to be the better candidate to shove the 'Pubs out of office, then she'd have my vote, but I don't see Hillary beating John McCain, no way no how. However, the Dems insist on beating each other 'til the bitter end, inevitably hurting the party, and yet they keep it up. WHY? It only means we have to work that much harder after Denver. Come on Dems, UNITY! That's the whole reason the Pubs win year after year. They're circled around a monkey eating its own poo, but at least they're circled.

Mullets, Comb-Overs, Mandles (men's sandles), Scrunchies, etc:

Dude, There are entire websites dedicated to why these things SUCK and are ridiculous. If common sense isn't your cup of tea, you can actually read about how lame it is to posses any of the above, and yet, I see them on a daily basis. Why why why? You can not possibly not know that your comb over is re-donk-u-lous. I'm not buying.

Tila Tequila:

Ok, I'm not a total hater, I will give her that she has a hot body. THAT'S IT. Nothing else. Not pretty, not funny, very obviously not sexual. It's like taking home a Playboy Playmate, ripping her clothes off and finding cardboard underneath. No substance, no sexy. I don't get this chick. I can watch most crap on MTV, but this show floors me. It's boring, re-donk, and faker than The Hills. Over It!

Made Of Honor:

Attention! Major sexy stock plummeting. McDreamy is so NOT. Are you kidding me? I love chick flicks as much as the next girl. Miss Congeniality, The Notebook, Love Actually? Sign me up. But friggin' shit like Made of Honor, 27 Dresses, and anything made by Sarah Michelle Gellar in the late 90's? Page me bro later. Some chick flicks push it WAY to far. Save your 10 bucks. Go home and put on Lifetime. Get yourself a quart of Hagen Daaz, put on you matching flannel pj's, and enjoy. Your cats will be thrilled you're staying home.......again.

OK, My ADD is kicking in. Good bye my lambs!

Monday, April 28, 2008

All that is Random


I’m on a train in Delaware right now. Where? Delaware. Never thought I’d be here. I feel like that scene from Wayne’s World. “Hi…..I’m in….Delaware”

Sweet ass websites I just figures out- - Who is this chick? I love it! - A new post (almost) everyday of stuff white people like. Examples? Sushi, fleece zip ups from North Face, talking about universal healthcare, Barak Obama. - Nuff said. A whole website dedicated to why I'm almost a lesbian. ALMOST. Unfortunately, I enjoy certain parts of the male anatomy.......a lot.

National Indian Gaming Association-

NIGA. Seriously. Look it up. NO ONE thought of this when the association was named? Wow.

The End of Rock of Love- Ambre? Bo-ring! However the Daisy/Heather fight? AWESOME. Heather would whomp Daisy’s ass.

Who Would Win In a Fight?

LC vs. Heidi? Heidi. Eli vs. Peyton? Peyton. William vs. Harry? Hary. Sean Preston vs. Jayden James? Jayden. Me after 3 tequilas vs. me e after 3 hits? Tequila Hillary vs. Bill? Probably Hillary Oscar the Grouch vs Cookie Monster? Cookie. Mini-Horse from Rob & Big vs. Rob AND Big: Mini horse, hoofs down

Lube in New York City-

I was in NYC this past weekend. Two interesting run-ins with lube. The first was when I walked by one of those tables of old people selling used stuff. There was a half gone bottle of Astro-Glide. Hmmmmmm……. I guess homeless ladies need a little assistance at times too, but GROSS. While I was curious how much they were selling it for, I decided against picking up the bottle and checking it out. The second was when I went into a smoke shop for some cigs. It was a typical smoke shop with pipes, bongs, papers, you know everything you need for rolling your own, ahem, cigarettes. However, there was also a glass locked shelf with tons of lube. Like giant, Costco sized portions of lube. There were no sex toys or anything that goes with lube, just a big ol’ lube selection. Interesting. I concluded that there is something going on with New Yorkers and lube. Must go back and investigate…..

Monday, April 7, 2008

Hit It or Quit It - On a LAME Monday Evening

Hello all my little bunnies. I'm afraid I'm full of way more shit I'd like to quit than hit at the moment, but I'll attempt to be optimistic. Cause that's just the kind of girl Miss L is, all optimistic and shizz.

Hit It:
The 90210 spin off. Awwwww yeah. I know it won't be the original. I know that Donna Martin has graduated, and there will never be another walk out led by the big BW, but I am stoked. I'm like a desperate high school freshman getting used by the captain of the football team, I'll take whatever I can get in the 90210 department. Not that anything like that ever happened to me in high school......I'm pretty sure he wasn't a captain.

Quit it:
I'm not watching the basketball game right now. LAME! Why am I missing it? Because I was working late. Worse yet? I get attitude and accused of leaving work early to watch the basketball game.......which I am not watching because I'm working. Sigh. For the record, I worked 10 hours today (ahem, in case anyone reading cares.....), and I'm not complaining about that, but I sure as hell didn't leave early.

Hit It:
The Rock of Love finale AND bonus features episode this week. Yes! Ho's fo sho. I gotta tell you, I'm on Team Daisy. I know she's a slut, a liar, and dumb as dirt (other than the dumb part, are those things so bad?), but honestly she's the only one I can actually picture with Brett. Daisy did have one excellent point, can you really picture Amber with Brett? She probably wears granny panties.This is a great point. Not only does Amber, I'm sure, wear granny panties, but they're probably the kind that come in cotton 3 packs at the grocery store. Buying your chonies at the grocery store? Never sexy. I know that's news to you, Rose Nylund, but you're sexy in other ways.

Quit It:
Mother Fucking Meter Maids! The meters stop running at 6:00pm. Do you know what time I got a ticket at today? 5:55pm. Go F yourself you c*ck s*cking son of a b*tch. I hope you get food poisoning and herpes. I hope when you go home tonight someone had left road kill in your bed and pissed in your Lucky Charms. A very dear friend of mine threatened to shank a meter maid yesterday (Yes, on a Sunday). I wish she had. Punk ass bitches.

Hit It:
Heidi Montag. Dude, I'm totally on Team Heidi. I was reluctant, but duuuuude, she's soooo much cooler than LC. I love the total willingness to completely whore herself out. Girl, at least take it in the ass from US Weekly, not even Tara Reid will take a shot in the mouth for Life & Style. Oh but Heidi will! That's my girl. You're so getting a spin off, that or a 5 picture deal with Vivid. Either way, own it girl!

Quit It:
Working, I;m done answering emails and IM's for the evening.

Hit It:
This lovely glass of Chianti I'm about to enjoy. Sorry Ketel One, but I'm a classy lady this evening (please see the line c*ck s*cking son of a b*tch if you had any doubt)

Friday, April 4, 2008

I'm So Happy It's Happy Hour

It's happy hour at work. This is normally a fantastic time. We play Rock Band, forget about clients, and my coworkers drink slightly too much and then go home to their wives. Unfortunately, today everyone had to get home for various family related activities. Since I'm something of a gay man and my evening really won't start for a few hours, it's just me and my vodka. This being the case, I decided to write to you. I love you.......sorry not you, I was talking to my Ketel one, but I'm sure you're lovely as well.

Fortunately a few fun things have happened as I enjoy happy hour alone. I was outside with my beer and a cig, and a cop drove by and looked at me but kept driving. This is the good thing about working where I do and not being in the burbs, the Po have better things to do. In my hometown I'd be cuffed and dictating this blog to my lawyer on my one phone call. Either that or I'd be making someone my bitch in jail. While the latter is appealing, I'd rather be here thank you.

I was brushing up on my gossip websites and learned that the New Kids on the Block are seriously staging a comeback. It's on like Donkey Kong. There is no way Miss L is missing this tour. I missed the Spice Girls, and I will never forgive myself. New Kids are the right stuff. I would still groupie out for Jordan Knight, and this is way less creepy than my willingness to do it at nine years old. HOT.

Beyonce and Jay Z are supposedly getting married this weekend. Sweet. I haven't been this bored since my ex boyfriend spent hours trying to get me off orally, and failed miserably (note to all you guys out there, if you've written the alphabet 3 times and gotten nothing, you're not doing it right- and p.s. we know what you're doing). Anyways back to Bonce. Snooze-ville. Her wedding dress was probably designed by her ridiculous mother. What is the proper spelling of Fugly? Anyhoo, these are my thoughts on Jay Z totally selling himself short.

To be completely honest, I'm getting bored and there is a bar stool and an inappropriate man out there with my name on them. Peace the freak out ya'll. Have a bubbly weekend.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Return of the Mack

The hiatus is over. I'm back and it's gonna get ugly. Though I admit I have to ease into the ugliness. I feel like a virgin again. Except this time around I'm drunk off Ketel One rather than 2 Mickey's 40oz, and I don't care if the entire football team knows I did this on Monday. God, high school was great, but I digress.

I've been trying to figure out why I've been so unmotivated to blog. Britney's been behaving, no one from the Disney Channel has gotten knocked up lately, the Lindsey Lohan AND Kristin Davis sex tapes were fakes.... Any one of these things could be the culprit. I lost my spirit, but it's back bitch, and I've decided to go balls to the wall. I am now in a committed relationship with.....well.....I guess myself, since I'm pretty sure no one reads the Bubble anymore, but I've been in a committed relationship with my vibrators for awhile now, and that shit is going great.

A short list of things that have perked my interest lately:
  • March Madness- I'm getting fucked harder than Lindsey Lohan in rehab in both my pools, but damnit I still love it. We've had basketball on at work, I at least had the pleasure of beating my boss in the office pool, and it gives me something to watch other than reruns of Rock of Love and Flavor of Love 3.
  • Coral punking EVERYONE on the Gauntlet 3. Fuck all y'all. They tried to punk her out and she straight donkey punched their asses. Priceless. P.S. Fuck you Ev and CT. You two are the biggest butt plugs in the bath house.
  • Heidi Montag endorsing John McCain for President. Oh it gets better, John McCain acknowledging that Heidi Montag endorsed him and thanking her. I'm conflicted here. John McCain telling the American public that he watches The Hills vs. John McCain telling the American public that he watches the Hills. If Justin Bobby endorses anyone, I'm there. Seriously.
  • Client 9
A short list of things that have made me self medicate lately:
  • The never ending talk of recessions at work. I'm now in a little bit of a fluff industry, and the shmuck with my job goes first. Note: I said fluff industry, not fluffer industry.....but if times get tough, who knows.
  • The Boston Red Sox. Fuck you. Fuck you Manny. Fuck you Ortiz, Fuck you Varitek. Fuck all ya'll. Go back to the East side and have a fucking tea party. Fuck.
  • No more Client 9 stories
  • George W. Bush: Helping people with IQ's over 70 self medicate for 8 years now. Some things never change.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Confessions of a Real Pervert

Apparently I'm kind of a perv. I've always kind of known this, but sometimes you just hit new pervy lows. Today was one of those days. For those of you who know me, I'm sure this is hardly a shock. For those of you who don't know me and just read my blog, it's probably less of a shock. For all you other pervs out there, here's a little voyeur into my pervert-i-ness:

Gene Simmons has a sex tape- Not my problem, right? I'm not the girl in it. What is my problem, you ask? Well, I tried to watch it. For reals. It gets worse. I was a little too upset when the website didn't come up. Who in their bloody right mind wants to watch Gene Simmons have sex? I'm a perv.

Sexual acts in moving vehicles are awesome- Not too pervy. A lot of people might agree with that. My problem? Sexual acts in moving vehicles on city streets are also acceptable. Worse ? Sexual acts in moving vehicles on city streets in broad daylight are also acceptable. I'm a perv.

I find Simon Cowell sexually attractive. I'm a perv.

I probably would go to the Donkey Show just to say I went. I'm a perv. (Disclaimer: No matter how much of a perv I am, I can say with total certainty that I would not enjoy The Donkey Show. I just said I'd go).

I've taken over 10 girls to buy their first vibrator. Getting a couple other chicks to make this purchase is kind of hot. Being enthused to take over a dozen chicks to the sex shop is kind of pervy. I'm on the fence.

I actually own the Pam and Tommy Lee sex tape. Who actually owns it? Do you know how expensive DVD porn is? (if you answered yes, you might be a perv). But seriously, no one buys it. Everyone just watches it online. I'm a perv.

Episodes of Nip/Tuck that don't involve Dr. Christian Troy bending some chick over something are just not worth it. I'm a perv.

Sex tapes I can not wait for- Spencer and Heidi, Tara Reid, Gavin Newsom, Myley Cyrus, Tom Brady (with anyone. Seriously, even another dude), John McCain (dude, I know he has one. His wife's s freak fo sho), La Lohan, Kim Kardashian Part II, Dame Judi Dench, Nick Swisher, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson, anyone from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. I'm a Perv.

Being a perv is kind of like being an alcoholic who perpetually falls off the wagon. Step 1, admit you have a problem Step 2, decide to do something about it. Step 3, fall off the wagon. Step 4, become even pervy-er. Step 5, back on the wagon. Step 6, fall off in Tiajuana and go to the Donkey Show.

Peace Out.