Go Jesus, It's Your Birthday

Sup Ya'll, Happy belated holidays. I had to take a few days off from the blog because, apparently, nothing can command my attention like a bottle of Ketel One in honor of the birth of Christ. To say the past month has been a little chaotic would be the understatement of the decade (Think, Oj is a little guilty, Ann Coulter is a little bit of a crazy Nazi, Britney's test results came back a little positive for a virtual cornucopia of STD's). I feel like I got donkey punched by a reindeer. Note to self, never switch careers at Christmas again. Also never attempt to juggle 3 jobs during the switching process while going out 7 nights a week, staying up 'til ungodly hours, entertaining boys typically reserved for only after I've put down a fifth of vodka, and then attempting communication with any of the following: my parents, my bosses, people at the bank, my Aunt who's a nun (Yes. Seriously), anyone at an airline (I seriously considered "just going for it" on a flight to Australia), former boyfriends, and acquaintances of my parents. Shockingly, I'm still alive, so far not in liver failure, I haven't been disowned or struck my lightning from the heavens, and I still have a job (I think....). All in all, I give the holiday season of 2007 kudos for the good times. It's amazing how good friends, good family, and good wine make little things like sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition just seem BO-RING.

On that note, The holidays might have turned me into a hot mess (as opposed to the pristine, Madonna-like goddess I was before) but I have the following people to make me feel (and look) so much better:

1. Britney- Naturally. She's bangin' paparazzi now. Seriously. While other paparazzi wait outside hotel rooms for the classy gentleman to emerge for their post-coital cigarette. There goes Britters again, puttin' the ASS in classy.

2. Jamie Lynn- Despite recent events, Jamie Lynn is still not the disaster her sister is. She's still young though. I'm holding on to the dream. The latest is that Casey Aldridge is not really the baby daddy. Effing classic. It's rumored to be some old dude who's an exec at Nickelodeon. Please, please, please let this be true. That would totally combine so many of my favorite things, underage skanks, sleezy old men, people who are not me getting knocked up, moral hypocrisy, and cover-ups of an Area 51/Kennedy assassination government level (ok......maaaaybe not quite that important).

3. La Lohan- Lindsey's latest man piece has sold his story about what a nympho she is to a British tabloid. While the story was sadly void of anything involving golden showers, Bad Dogs, or the Dirty Sanchez, it was entertaining nonetheless. Sucks for Linds though. Not commanding too much respect from the ex-boyfriend if he's willing to sell you out faster than you can say firecrotch.

4. Jessica Simpson- Hated by all of Texas, Nick Lachey, Carrie Underwood, Terrel Owens, John Mayer, Lindsey Lohan, Adam Levine, Jerry Jones, her own dog (for repeatedly shoving it in a purse), Bam Margera (ok, no one really gives a shizz about that one), her own mother, and any self respecting sports fan that recognizes that no pro sports team colors are PINK and WHITE. So take off the effing pink and white jerseys and hats all you lame chicks out there. $50 says you're sitting at a football game right now in your pink Cowboys jersey waiting for Kobe Bryant to hit a homerun. Seriously, go spend your money on something more useful to you. Like a coloring book......or a big red balloon. Sorry ya'll, we just tapped into one of Miss L's biggest pet peeves. There could be a whole post dedicated to pink sports gear. Anyhoo, back to poor Jess. Basically a ridiculous amount of people hate her, her sister is totally "the hot one" now, her next two movies are going straight to DVD, her dad is a creepy pervert, and she's wearing a damn pink jersey. Sucks to be that bitch.

On that note, I'm out kiddies. Enjoy this lovely gap between Christmas and New Years when it's totally acceptable to not show up for work, drink before noon, and splurge on post Xmas gifts for yourself. Seriously go for it, come January it's diets, responsibility, freezing weather with no Christmas spirit to make it worthwhile, and the return of fat and smelly New Years resolution-ists at the gym. Yummy.