Confessions of a Real Pervert

Apparently I'm kind of a perv. I've always kind of known this, but sometimes you just hit new pervy lows. Today was one of those days. For those of you who know me, I'm sure this is hardly a shock. For those of you who don't know me and just read my blog, it's probably less of a shock. For all you other pervs out there, here's a little voyeur into my pervert-i-ness:

Gene Simmons has a sex tape- Not my problem, right? I'm not the girl in it. What is my problem, you ask? Well, I tried to watch it. For reals. It gets worse. I was a little too upset when the website didn't come up. Who in their bloody right mind wants to watch Gene Simmons have sex? I'm a perv.

Sexual acts in moving vehicles are awesome- Not too pervy. A lot of people might agree with that. My problem? Sexual acts in moving vehicles on city streets are also acceptable. Worse ? Sexual acts in moving vehicles on city streets in broad daylight are also acceptable. I'm a perv.

I find Simon Cowell sexually attractive. I'm a perv.

I probably would go to the Donkey Show just to say I went. I'm a perv. (Disclaimer: No matter how much of a perv I am, I can say with total certainty that I would not enjoy The Donkey Show. I just said I'd go).

I've taken over 10 girls to buy their first vibrator. Getting a couple other chicks to make this purchase is kind of hot. Being enthused to take over a dozen chicks to the sex shop is kind of pervy. I'm on the fence.

I actually own the Pam and Tommy Lee sex tape. Who actually owns it? Do you know how expensive DVD porn is? (if you answered yes, you might be a perv). But seriously, no one buys it. Everyone just watches it online. I'm a perv.

Episodes of Nip/Tuck that don't involve Dr. Christian Troy bending some chick over something are just not worth it. I'm a perv.

Sex tapes I can not wait for- Spencer and Heidi, Tara Reid, Gavin Newsom, Myley Cyrus, Tom Brady (with anyone. Seriously, even another dude), John McCain (dude, I know he has one. His wife's s freak fo sho), La Lohan, Kim Kardashian Part II, Dame Judi Dench, Nick Swisher, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson, anyone from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. I'm a Perv.

Being a perv is kind of like being an alcoholic who perpetually falls off the wagon. Step 1, admit you have a problem Step 2, decide to do something about it. Step 3, fall off the wagon. Step 4, become even pervy-er. Step 5, back on the wagon. Step 6, fall off in Tiajuana and go to the Donkey Show.

Peace Out.

VD!

Happy Valentines Day to my adoring 3 readers. I apologize for my brief absence. Miss L admits to being less than inspired lately. Sigh. Nothing wrong per se, just haven't felt the burning desire to blog. I should just do what my boys over at Apples & Moustaches do and just post pictures of hot chicks (man, I sound like a lesbian sometimes). Anyhoo, other than the fact that it's Valentines Day, and I'm still at work (not that I would ever blog at work.....), things are good. I am, however, drinking vodka, so that's a plus. Since I have no rhyme or reason at this point, I'm going to bullet blog. Here goes-

• A random man who was probably 60 years old hit on me in the Office Max parking lot at 9 am this morning. He told me my walk was "like a million bucks" and asked me if I'd be his Valentine this evening. Yeah bro, that's happening. A: who hits on strangers before noon? B: In what universe does a young, hot woman who's under 300 pounds and has all her teeth, accept an invitation to be a stranger's Valentine in the Office Max parking lot? I'll have some of whatever you're popping, homes. C: Office Max rolly gel pens are really expensive. Work it out company credit card.
• Sean Kingston has a song out right now called Take You There. Let's all ignore the fact that this kid's first major single, Beautiful Girls, is one of the most vomit inducing piles of poop I've ever heard, but this latest song is too ghetto for even my faux ghetto ass. Sample line, "Or we can go to the slums where killas get hung. Shorty I can take you there" Yeah. I want to date that dude. What happens on our second date? Chinese water torture? (I have no idea what that is btw, can anyone let me know?), kicking seeing eye dogs? bargain shopping at Ross? Sounds like fun. Sign me up Sean Kingston. I know I am not a particularly hood kind of girl, but Jesus, going to where the killas get hung can not be appealing to anyone.
  
• I'm getting drunk. Yay Vodka.
  
• Top 5 biggest douchebags I can think of at this moment- 1) Clay Aiken 2) Mike Huckabee 3) Alex Smith (yes I'm a Niners fan, but Alex Smith puts the AS in ass) 4) Jared Leto, he hasn't done anything too bad recently, but you know those people who are just seconds away from embarrassing themselves at all times? He's one of those. Total cringer. Whatever happened to Jordan Catalano, man? 5) Pat Sajak, just cuz. I mean how obvious is it that he hates his job? Seriously, with good reason. If I had to listen to fat housewives, sorority girls, and emasculated US Military servicemen scream about buying an E, I'd be pissed too, but honestly, Pat Sajak is a douchebag. After all these years he should have at least felt up Vanna on camera. Pussy.
  

Ok kids, this is an open invitation for ANYONE to help me get my mojo back? Got anything good for me to blog about? My fountain's as dry as my sex life these days......Houston, I think we've found the problem! All right, now I know I need more than some good "ideas" to perk the Bubble back up. On a mission...

Really?!?!

So I was in Peets this morning getting my Jasmine Green Tea. I'm off coffee in '08. It blows. Anyways, the coffee dude was asking the lady in front of me why she wasn't getting her usual. She proceeds to announce to all 10 of us within earshot that she'd been having lactose intolerance issues lately. People say this kind of thing all the time. Do they seriously think it's some kind of code the rest of us don't know? Lactose Intolerance issues? Would you walk into Peets and announce to everyone that you have diarrhea? TMI Lactose lady. Really?!?!?!

Britney Spears was released from the Psych ward this afternoon. Now there's a good idea. Oh don't worry. Her enabler, moron parents got her a body guard. Problem solved! So what does Britters proceed to do? Go on a paparazzi fueled LA joy ride, kick the body guard out of the car, let a pap get in, and proceed to check into a Beverly Hills hotel, where she's hiding out. Paparazzi gang bang Room 112! It's almost not even funny anymore. Miss L will feel bad if something bad happens to Britney after all my commentary.....really, but are you kidding me? Mad props to Ma and Pa Spears and the UCLA medical team. You let her out? Really?!?!?!?!

I'm pretty sure I got in trouble at work today because of the weather in Chicago and Las Vegas. Yes, it's my fault that Chicago has shit for weather 11 months out of the year and Vegas gets cold in the winter. I realize I'm the shit and all, but even I can't take credit for the weather. I appreciate the props to my clout though. Or does that just make me the whipping boy? Hmmm..... don't fire me. Miss L evil controller of mid-western weather. Really?!?!?

Heidi Montag's music video. BLAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! "Directed" by the Pratt-er himself. I insist you go to You Tube and peep this video gem immediately. As soon as blood stops gushing from your eyes and ears, you'll be able to chuckle. First of all, it appears to be shot by me while drunk with a $89.99 hand held camcorder from Wal-Mart. Second, the song makes Lindsey Lohan look like Alicia Keyes. And fuck Spike Jonze, the Pratt-er has found his calling. Heidi Montag's music video......Really?!?!?!

I'm Super Thanks for Asking

It's Super Tuesday, ya'll. Hope you took that whole 5 minutes to get out there and vote. If you didn't, tisk and shame, but you can still register for the November Election. Do it now! Now! It's so easy online, and it's the only way to have any kind of change. Unless you comfortable swimming around like fish in a barrel while the Conservatives take aim, and George Bush, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee all have a circle jerk around the outside, and if you are comfortable with that, I'm sure I've kicked you off my blog before, but if I haven't, get the hell off my blog!

Miss L went to the polls this morning to Barack out with her cock out. That's right. Obama '08 baby! That's how we roll.

Now for those of you who don't like politics but still read this blog therefore indulging my inflated sense of self importance, I'll try to throw in some more interesting political tidbits.

People of Note supporting Barack Obama- Oprah, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Maria Shriver, Robert DeNiro, Scarlett Johanssen, Toni Morrison, George Clooney, Stevie Wonder, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, Matt Damon, Oliver Stone.....
People of Note supporting Hillary Clinton- Jerry Springer, Jenna Jameson, Ann Coulter, Kimora Lee Simmons, the Strippers Union at Scores in NYC, Barbara Streisand.....**

I'm just sayin'......

** Miss L admits that these examples are the slightest bit biased, but they are true nonetheless.

GET OUT THERE AND VOTE! IT'S REALLY SEXY, LIKE BRAD PITT IN FIGHT CLUB SEXY,WEARING HEELS AND NOTHING ELSE SEXY, THE FIRST TIME I LEARNED ABOUT VIBRATORS SEXY

Superbowl Weekend: By the Numbers

Hell yeah Superbowl! What an awesome game/awesome weekend. It's nice to finally see a decent Superbowl, hasn't happened in awhile. Remember last year? The only good thing about the game last year was that the douche bag I was dating at the time actually cried when Chicago lost. What a bitch......but I digress. Minus the fact that Eli Manning now has a Superbowl ring (I couldn't write that sentence without choking) and Superbowl MVP title, the game was sweet. Onward.

Thought I'd break down the weekend in numerical formula, because really, what's not fun about math?

Number of times someone at the Party I was at said the words "Eli" and "what a bitch" in the same sentence- 489

Time when the party collectively stopped calling Strahan by his name and just started calling him Gappy- 9:05 into the 1st quarter

Number of times I said "why the fuck is _________ there?" when Seacrest was interviewing people on the red carpet (don't even get me started on the whole red carpet thing)- 12

Number of Patron Silver shots I chased down with Ketel One and sodas- 5.....excellent idea

Number of times I peed my pants laughing during Paula Abdul's "comeback" (ahem) performance- 3

Number of fake boobs I grabbed this weekend- 1 (that would be one boob, not one set of boobs)

Number of people with fake boobs who grabbed my real boob- 1 (yay vodka!)

Number of dudes I made out with on Saturday night- 2

Number of straight chicks who said they'd rather have a threesome with Britney and Osama Lutfi on a her hospital bed covered in Cheetos than have sex with Eli Manning- 4

Number of straight girls who preferred Eli- 0

Number of times I wished someone would smack Terry Bradshaw upside the head with the Vince Lombardi trophy- at least 7

Number of dirty thoughts had about Tom Brady, me in my high school cheer leading uniform, and baby oil- 27

Number of times someone mentioned that Alicia Keyes really didn't need to use the ENTIRE zebra to make those pants- 1

Number of times I got sprayed by someone attempting to shot-gun a beer-2 (we're a little out of practice apparently)

Number of days until the Niners win Superbowl XLIII- 364